Yey! to Egypt and Egyptians...Alhumdulillah their efforts paid off. And it goes beyond saying that they've made history. Inshallah this can be a new beginning, and May Allah help the Egyptians stay stronger and keep them united under the umbrella of peace.

Weeeeeeeee! Spring is own its way! I have snowdrops growing in me backgarden already, usualy they would start to grow round about start of April, but they are looking really good already! Its something worth cheering about after the gloomy winter we've had.

*sigh* I stopped writing (again!) I was finding it hard to document the events of me past (or write anything for that matter), I know nobody says I need to do that. But I can't forget those times. I'm not sure if its the circumstances we had back then or the actual events that bother me. Some events just play in my eyes/brain like it was yesterday...and what if it happens again?? Grrr the what ifs. Since graduating in July 2010, and besides working part-time, I've found myself with a lot of (spare) time on me hands, lots and lots of time. So much so that I've diagnosed myself with a post graduation depression (maybe it exists, I don't know). But the time I have is killing me. Suddenly I'm paying attention to everything I had hidden; under the bed, over the cupboard, behind curtains, in shoe boxes (I'm big on hiding the feelings which can potentially hurt, slow down and bring down other people around me, my family...younger sister mainly). I tend to put on a brave face, even when I don't need to...and I'm so disappointed in myself but how else could have I supported my sister??

I know she looks up to me so much...but I'm not sure how long I can keep up the 'brave face' for. I feel so happy when she is letting off steam, i.e. shouting and making her feelings known, makes me feel like I'm fulfilling my role 100%. I could not have done that, it would have been deemed very unreasonable and immature for me to be throwing hissy fits and moaning about how hard it was to get by in those circumstances. More importantly I felt sick at the thought of my mother facing difficulties all alone, so I wanted to be there, even though I couldn't do anything productive to help much, I never took making mum smile for granted, I still don't. I don't know if she realises that I feel guilty about something (I'm not even sure what). But I and my sister could not be any different. My sister has always been open and sensitive, and she is getting on so well at college, I'm so proud. 

But I don't know if I can do this any more. There are times when I feel like I'm deceiving my mother and sister. i.e. not giving them a 100% of me...not letting them see/feel detect how/what I feel. But I'm scared (weak) of letting both of them know exactly how/what the past few years have left me feeling. Its very hard to explain. I wish my htc desire hd had a scanner for scanning brain and feelings (lolzz) and suggested healthy ones to replace them with. I've been staying up very late recently - sleeping after Fajar namaz mostly and not getting enough sleep and my smartphone has been me perfect companion during the dark hours. I'm not staying-up because the phone is distracting, I'm rather very glad that its with me, helping me not think about what is really bothering me and keeping me from counting sheep (lolz) A close friend at university suggested counselling, but I wasn't sure back then and never had enough time, now I have time and I'm still not sure.

I don't even know if all this counts as a problem (or what this is even). Maybe I'm just starting to throw hissy fits worst than a baby and moaning for nothing. Maybe I should tweak my brain and heart to look the other way. Make room under the bed, above the cupboard, behind the curtains, find more shoe boxes.

...the 8.00am train service I took to school made a stop at the Prestwick International Airport. Jam-packed with tourists heading back to their home countries after a relaxing break in the majestic Scotland. They carried with them their luggage and breakfast and morning coffees; some had no more than sleeping bags, others had more than they could handle – over sized Nessie the Monster toys, tiny Nessie key rings and Nessie t-shirts and whatever with a green innocent looking monster on it...

...My sister and I played spot the tourist games. Although we never really spoke to them, we did help out with buying tickets and general information. At times we laughed at appearances’ of folks. We agreed that Germans were the messiest and had silly eating habits – they dunked everything in coffee, even meat steaks! Chinese were restless, had a worried look on their faces and needed constant reassurance that they were indeed on the right train. Folk from Middle East carried a lot of luggage, papers/maps and genuinely looked bemused by the surroundings...

...in addition to the loud speaker announcements in the train, a Chinese woman asked just about everybody around her time and time again ‘the airport is the 8^th stop, I am correct?’ She had an ever growing worried look on her face and an equally throbbing heart. She stood next to her seat, did not take off her immensely heavy backpack and kept a good grip on her hand luggage, while staring at all times out of the window left and right; looking for something that looked like an airport. While others responded to the call of ‘we are now approaching Prestwick International Airport’ and got ready to leave the train, she argued she had only counted up to the ‘number seven’ and held up seven fingers for everybody to see. She shot a look to anybody who got off the train as if saying ‘you idiot’. She missed her stop, said something in Chinese and started crying...

...I looked at my sister and told her that at the age of four she use to cry like that...

...we got off the train, closed our eyes and started walking on the path through the golf course, arriving at school hand in hand.